Sparky Set Loose

Last night at around 8 pm, according to witnesses, the devil spawn Sparky was sprung from his entrapment underneath the SANDS building at ASU‘s West campus. The gate keepers of Sparky say he was visiting the small campus to recreate the fear of eternal damnation in the students, and also to assist in the stray cat problem. Two college hipsters were sent into oblivion, and that foreign exchange student everyone likes so much was left impaled by a trident. The gatekeepers were able to corral Sparky before any Starbucks employees were hurt. The cause of his release is still unknown, but survivors claim to have seen President Crow leaving the campus in his Prius, shortly after the escape. One expert on the relationship between Sparky and the President chimed in, “It’s commonly known that Sparky costs millions of dollars in maintenance, not to mention the four thousand pledges a year that must be sacrificed in his name, lest Sparky become angered. That’s an awful lot of money spent and tuition lost.” Crow could not be reached for any questions.