ASU Student Plans to Bankrupt Pandora.com

The internet radio station Pandora services customers by selecting music similar to a band and playing it for the listener. Some view the website as a good study session tool, or a guide to new music. Others, such as ASU Junior Drew Stanson, believe Pandora is a waste of time. "All I want is stuff that sounds like MGMT with their eclectic electro-rock style. Instead I get some crappy Florence plus her Fax-Machine or something like that."

Mr. Stanson's plan is quite cunning, he believes. Since as Pandora constantly reminds him, playing a single song costs a small amount of money, Mr. Stanson will recruit his mac computer, laptop, netbook, new IphoneS and roommate's shitty PC and play pandora but not listening to it. "With all these computers playing pandora all day, they're bound to go bankrupt soon. So no more crap musical connections."

Mr. Stanson relayed his plan through his favorite internet discussion board and was given only a single fuck.

ASU To credit new course: GAF 101 - How To Properly Give a Fuck

Melvin

Amid the recent event of Arizona Legislator Linda Grey proposing a new bill to separate the campuses of ASU West and Polytechnic from the main University, the two campuses decided to forgo proper procedure and combine their buildings into ASU PolyWest.
"We've decided that the only way our two campuses can thrive is by creating a separate entity spotlighting our spirited students." Vice-president Langland announced under the shade of the buildings combining forces high in the sky, a-la Power Ranger Zoids. "This new university will take the form of our great student spirit and become a beacon of hope for all small colleges!" The new anthropomorphic PolyWest campus gave a great sigh and began to sulk in the desert.
When presented with the news President Crow sipped his morning coffee, "A bit coarse" was his description, and shrugged his shoulders at the report of the new super campus.

Are Hipsters Now Amongst us?

A frightening survey shows that an increasing amount of hipsters are disappearing from the streets and local Trader Joe's. Where have they gone? History tells us that Hipsters do not have a migratory pattern. Have their species experienced a mass extinction? Or worse, have they assimilated themselves into our culture? One theory comes from ASU's Animal Behavior department: "What is the essence of a hipster? Yes, it's crucial for him to be avant-garde and have an over-all aura of douchebaggery. But his main stride in life is for irony. What better way to be ironic, than to live like those you guffaw at?" If he is right, then we may all be in jeopardy. If you notice any unusual activity, please contact your local authorities and pray.

Sparky Set Loose

Last night at around 8 pm, according to witnesses, the devil spawn Sparky was sprung from his entrapment underneath the SANDS building at ASU‘s West campus. The gate keepers of Sparky say he was visiting the small campus to recreate the fear of eternal damnation in the students, and also to assist in the stray cat problem. Two college hipsters were sent into oblivion, and that foreign exchange student everyone likes so much was left impaled by a trident. The gatekeepers were able to corral Sparky before any Starbucks employees were hurt. The cause of his release is still unknown, but survivors claim to have seen President Crow leaving the campus in his Prius, shortly after the escape. One expert on the relationship between Sparky and the President chimed in, “It’s commonly known that Sparky costs millions of dollars in maintenance, not to mention the four thousand pledges a year that must be sacrificed in his name, lest Sparky become angered. That’s an awful lot of money spent and tuition lost.” Crow could not be reached for any questions.

Macfie, Economics professor quits after lunch with philosophy teacher. Asking what's the point?